2 Timothy 2:22
22 Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Often times, I think back to my 20′s when my favorite thing was to sit near a window writing in my journal, the sunlight casting on my face and my pen filled with hopes, dreams, ideas – creative juices flowing from sources unknown. In those moments, bubbling with the pleasure of my existence and the person I knew I would become, I daydreamed of healing the world of it’s pains and grievances. Or I mesmerized myself with images of being in love, dogs howling for my attention and little children erupting in shouts of glee at my presence. And in the corner of my mind, my mom sat perched in her chair, her face advertising immeasurable pride and joy in my being her son. Little did I realize during those joyous moments of fantasy that in a matter of a few years, my lack of discipline and my propensity for distraction would unravel my life and nearly destroy me.
I am just now sipping my coffee and wondering how I could write the above with such bravado. I know if I give my feelings of remorse an additional 3-4 seconds to breathe, I will fall into despair over the loss of my innocence. But a voice inside me sends a warning – a reminder that the glue holding together the fractured pieces of my life has not yet set – wet and tacky, and still quite susceptible to the heat of emotions and unmeasured movements. So I steady myself and drain away the part of me that wants to live with vigor and explosive passion and breathe myself into a waking coma – quiet, numb and resilient.
Today I plan to love myself a little. I am thinking of making a nice veggie omelet for breakfast and maybe go for a long bicycle ride and soak in the beautiful spring morning. But first, I will decide right now to spend the rest of the day trusting in a God who’s face I have still not seen or a presence I have still not felt. I will accept the insanity of my faith because it is the wet tacky glue that holds me together and allows me to stay on this tarnished brick road in search of my soul. And throughout the day, from time to time, I will grin with the satisfaction of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.